“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
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the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.