me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
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14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
sistine chapel
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*