doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
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Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Stop sending me this shit.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?