My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
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The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.