Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
You Might Also Like
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with