TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
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me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net