Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
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All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.