I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
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I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.