ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
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ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”