Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
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[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”