It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
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“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.