[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
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[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.