My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
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Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.