During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
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Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.