Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
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Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”