Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
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“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
My dad.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
🤔😂😂
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.