You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
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Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.