Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
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Those are good neighbors.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
me before I type out affect or effect
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what