I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
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I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat