Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
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You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔