Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
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Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
yeah no that’s fair
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
When you kidnap a writer.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office