Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
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Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.