I put the hot in psychotic.
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The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
dude it’s called proctologist
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
tis the season
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.