deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
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“Great, now I have to pee.”
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.