i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
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[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
We avoided this particular disaster
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.