me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
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CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance