The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.