[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
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[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.