My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
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8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
selfie game
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.