My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
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*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.