This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
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Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
This kid is a star!
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.