I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
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[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.