Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
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Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.