My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
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The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?