THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
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My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
…żyje?
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6: