Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
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In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall