Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
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“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit