*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
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“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?