My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
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Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
#titanic
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.