*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
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My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.