(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
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Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”