5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
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in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
That took me a moment.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
This meal prepping shit easy
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are