“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
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Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes