Candles never taste the way they smell
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so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.