Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
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*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.