I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
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I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby