How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
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Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?