You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
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“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what