If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
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i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
They’re not wrong
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad