I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
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*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I am patiently waiting for your email
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
How actors in movies eat their food
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.